Black Wood Spoon

As with everything, there are many sides to Food Love. The Flip-Side of my Food Love is a form of ‘Stress Eating’. Although a common concept, my version of ‘Stress Eating’ embraced a consistently large consumption of complex carbs (i.e., bread, pasta, and pastry), dairy, and sugar.

When I was around 10yrs old or so, I traveled for quality time with some extended family members. Although my companion cousins seemed to bond well with the ‘new’ family, I was too self-conscious and felt extremely out-of-place. So, I comforted myself with cheeseburgers and hot dogs…2 of each to be exact. Those cheeseburgers and hot dogs offered comfort and security; however, I was teased to tears. My feelings were so hurt that I promised not to eat that way again. Little did I know that this was the beginning of a self-perpetuating cycle.

As the years passed, I failed to set healthy boundaries around my eating habits. Ever more consistently, snacks became substitutes for balanced meals, portion sizes ballooned, and fast-food consumption increased. Just as consistent were the self-assurances of impending diet changes and no-fail workout routines. This cycle gave rise to additional pounds of weight, increased blood-sugar levels, a fitness journey replete with fits-and-starts, and lots of disappointment in myself.

On one hand, I enjoyed salads, soups, and select vegetables.  On the other hand, I consumed one pint of ice cream for dinner. One morning, I drove to my fav coffee spot and waited in the drive-thru line. The employee recognized my voice and quoted my order…word-for-word. I knew I had a problem. Sometimes, I talked myself out of exercising after a long workday only to consume lots of fast-food complex carbs and sugar…inside my car. I combatted the guilt of this ‘secret-eating’ with repeated promises to do better…tomorrow.

The sad reality was that I devalued myself. I committed more time and effort to improving job performance and other pursuits than to caring for myself. If I wasn’t caring for and loving myself, then how would I accomplish all the things I carried in my heart and mind? How could I genuinely enjoy my life? How was I honoring my family and the sacrifices they made so that my life could manifest the potential they saw within me? Although I began to hide my personality behind the weight gain, concern for my health was growing. I reached out to my Sister.

My Sister was completing her journey to become a Certified Holistic Nutritionist. I volunteered to be the ‘subject’ for her final course assignment. Her questions provoked me to become more aware of my meals and deeply consider the effects on my health and body. She convinced me to create a food journal, and the results horrified me. The reality of my meals and snacks were embarrassing, but I forced myself to face the truth. I considered ways to revise my eating style so that it reflected the diet I imagined for years, but never accepted as doable. My Sister provoked questions like, “What did I enjoy most about food? How could I incorporate more fruits and vegetables into my eating style? Was I opened to stepping outside of my comfort zone to experiment with more spices and herbs? How was I nourishing my body and loving myself?”

I made small changes and felt amazing. Encouraged, I dug deeper and made bolder changes. Step-by-step, day-by-day, my body embraced a plant-forward eating lifestyle. My Food Love was rekindled. Then, I lost my momentum and motivation…and I felt guilty. To keep myself steady and moving forward, I forgave myself and showed myself some grace. I needed to be free to embrace the journey…free from expectations of perfection…free from trying to control the journey…free to just ‘be’ in the process and experience. To create a level of accountability, I decided to blog about the journey, including my ‘why’ as well as any discouraging moments.  Just as no person is perfect, no journey is perfect. This one would be no exception.  

Amidst these highs and lows, I learned a ton about my food preferences.  I identified thrilling flavor combos (i.e., carrots-cucumber-radish, chocolate & peanut butter, and chocolate & cherries) 😋 and avoidable ones (i.e., anything extremely bitter). I chose animal proteins to enjoy (i.e., lamb, goat, and fish) and foods of which to reduce consumption (i.e., bovine milk, cheese, and ice cream). There are fruits that I could eat always (i.e., cherries, grapefruit, and Packham pears) and vegetables that I prefer to dodge (i.e., okra and eggplant). I learned that I enjoy Bok Choy, Naan, Daikon radish, Cilantro, Carrot tops, and Cumin…and still prefer not to eat butter beans.

I cannot honestly say that I no longer ‘Stress Eat’. However, my ‘Stress Eating’ has boundaries, and I listen when my body warns me about going too far. I try to be more attentive to my body and follow its lead…not in a perfection sort of way, but in a loving way. The way my family loves me and would want me to love myself.

#bws #changeeatingchangelife #selflove #foodlove #breakingcycles #authenticallylovingmyself